Getting Slender For The Ibiza Weekender
11th June – 6 weeks until Ibiza!
Sooo, it’s 6 weeks now until we hit Ibiza for the Clockwork Orange weekender bender and as I sit munching my Kettle Chips and M&S Victoria Sponge Muffins (which are, by the way, orgasmic) with all the restraint of a deranged Cookie Monster, I’m aware that at this rate I’m going to end up with a butt like Kim K on Bossa beach. The unairbrushed, lumpy version, I mean.
But wait! I wanna look boss on Bossa…not the boss of a chip shop. Now, we all know that the best way to get slim and slinky for Ibiza is…to go to Ibiza. A few days of relentless clubbing with just a few scraps of tapas tossed back pelican-style as you pit-stop between parties is the best diet going. For those of us who can’t squeeze in a pre-Ibiza Ibiza trip, I’m told there’s always these: Slenderiize magic drops.
Under the watchful eye of my fellow party-loving pal, the Super-Slender Slenderiize Seller (try saying that after a few cocktails down at Mambo’s) Lisa Jo, I’ll be following the Drop To Drop Programme for 28 days in the run-up to the holiday, starting on 1st July. So I’m hoping it’ll be “Hasta lluego, heifer” and “Hola, snake-hipped slinkstress!’ Can I pull it off? Watch this space…
1st July – 4 weeks to go!
Uh-oh! The Ibiza countdown has begun and I’m no closer to looking like a model than I was on my last diary entry. A model tank, maybe. Since I ditched the Marlboro Lights ten months ago I just can’t seem to stop eating all the pies. And cheese. And drinking all of the wine. When I said I was planning on “having it large in Ibiza” I was referring to the parties, not the portion sizes. I sigh at my reflection in the mirror. Mate, if you’re a fat clubber, you’re clearly doing something wrong. Avid dancers should be nimble and limber…not carrying excess timber. “You need to do the Ibiza Shuffle a bit faster my love,” I murmur under my breath as I clutch at my muffin-induced muffin-top. I’ll need to be bloody turbo-charged to dance quickly enough so no one can focus on my Non-Mum tum at the beach party at the end of July.
Do TFL make Food Baby On Board badges, I ponder? Well they should, I think, as I grip the pole with my bountiful butt-cheeks for balance whilst riding the packed tube and flipping through Elle magazine’s fashion section, which is awash with wafer-thin waifs.
But all is not lost! I started my Slenderiiz drops this morning: 15 drops of the 100% natural remedy under the tongue 30 minutes before brekky, lunch and dinner, healthy balanced meals (albeit smaller portions than I’m used to, as the recommended calorie allowance is 1250 a day – eek!) followed by 45 drops of the night-time formula in the evening, a few hours before bed. I’ve pored over the approved foods list, stocked up on green tea, fruit and veg, ditched the bread and pasta and have downloaded the Lose It! Calorie Counter app on my phone (they don’t mention what the “it” is you’re likely to lose – the will to live, perhaps?). All I need now is an orthodontist to wire my jaw shut and I’m good to go.
So, here are the obligatory before pictures – cringeworthy but necessary evidence, I guess. I’ll be checking in weekly with my progress, followed by a final update at the end of the 28-day programme. Obviously the proof will be in the pudding (or lack thereof)….
8th July – 3 weeks to go!
So I’m one week into the Slenderiiz Programme…and I’m actually killing it! I know, I’m as gobsmacked as you are! I’ve been taking my drops religiously and following the diet by eating around 1250 calories a day, selecting only foods from the approved foods list below…and so far I’ve lost half a stone! (and eight hours – be warned that if you attempt to go on the lash one night on this diet you will get very drunk, very quickly. Eek!)
But…people are already noticing and commenting on my weight loss. I surprised myself last year by giving up smoking effortlessly after almost 25 years on the evil weed, and now this! Will wonders never cease? I do think the drops are having a big effect, as I’m not getting cravings for naughty foods (I’d usually eat crisps and cakes like they’re going out of fashion), and whilst I don’t feel completely full after meals like I used to, I’m not chewing my own arm off in starvation either. I actually think I’ll be able to keep this up for the entire 28 days (and possibly beyond), whereas if truth be told I feared I’d fall at the first hurdle. I’m planning meals in advance and stocking up on the good stuff. I think my fridge has gone into a state of shock – it’s never been so full of green objects. And we’re eating all the veggies instead of feeding them as USOs (unidentifiable shrivelled objects) into the bin, which I’m ashamed to admit happened often in the past.
So far, so slender! Wahoo! Another update next week!
15th July – 2 weeks to go!
Two weeks into the programme, and my body is a temple (before, it was more the buddha sitting inside the temple). I’ve turned into a proper avocad-ho; Sainsbury’s have had to review their stock levels of the green stuff. I’m spending less on food (because the portion sizes are that much smaller), which could actually counteract the cost of the drops in the first place. For the first time, I’m beginning to agree with Kate Moss – she’s right, nothing does taste as good as skinny feels. The weight loss has slowed somewhat, which is frustrating as I’ve only lost a few pounds this week (taking my total weight loss to nine pounds in two weeks), but I’m getting addicted to the lighter-than-air feeling that comes from ditching white carbs. If it’s “no carbs before Marbs”, then this is “no pizza before Ibiza.”
The hardest part of the diet is dining out. I’ve tried to avoid it as I don’t know what’s in the food and I don’t want to undo the hard work, but on Tuesday Mum and I went to Bluewater. Lunchtime rolled around – one glance at the list of restaurants and it’s not hard to see why the UK is following in the footsteps of the USA with its obesity crisis: McDonald’s, Burger King, Five Guys, Eds Diner, Byron Burger, Pizza Express, Pizza Hut….
We settle on Bella Italia as they have some relatively healthy-looking options, and when I explain our predicament to the waiter he produces a giant tome the size of War And Peace which turns out to be their calorie guide. It all seems too much like hard work, so we decline their offer to dust off the giant book and instead settle on the most sensible things on the menu and hope for the best.
As I’m on holiday from work, where I’d typically be on my feet for nine hours, I’m aware that I’m not burning as many calories as usual. On Sunday morning Andy and I go for a run, which leaves my face the same beetroot shade as my hair, my legs like jelly, and I almost throw up three times.
However, the real challenge will come next week when we’re relaxing and eating out in Alicante for a week’s holiday at my parents villa…eek!
22nd July – 1 week to go!
The holiday gets off to a much healthier start than we’re accustomed to: we swop the usual calorie-laden Full English (with accompanying bubbles) at Gatwick for a fruit salad and a cuppa, salivating as surrounding holidaymakers tuck into their pukka tucker. The flight is the journey from hell: having reluctantly paid Ryanair’s rip-off fees to sit together, I soon wish I hadn’t bothered when the seats turn out to be between three screaming babies and their gymslip mums, who proceed to bash me with iPads and cover me in melted chocolate throughout the flight. Emergency prosecco takes the edge off, but the sugar-laden booze does nothing for my waistline…
After the obligatory celebration of arrival in sunny Spain with a bottle of ice-cold Cava on the seafront, we stock up on the good stuff at the supermercado – meaning we can prepare our own meals at the villa, thus retaining some control of portion sizes and what goes into them. The week is spent sunning ourselves by the pool, eating healthily and swimming. I do of course use my drops, but falling out of my regular routine whilst on holiday means that I slip up occasionally. I also indulge in the odd vodka limon and several copas de vino blanco, but, well, I am on holiday – it’d be rude not to. Despite being careful with our food, the halo slips towards the end of the week and I can’t resist a supersize Burger King at the airport on the way home. Old habits die hard! Upon return to Blightly I’m appalled to discover I’ve put on 4lbs during the holiday – gah! (I’m not sure what I expected, since alcohol is super-calorific and therefore strictly off-limits on this, and any, weight-loss programme). I now have only 3 days until we jet off to Ibiza for the Clockwork weekender. Can I redeem myself and get my weight loss back on track, taking my total loss back to 9lbs by the end of the programme this weekend? Watch this space….
28th July – time to fly!
The big day has finally arrived! I”m on the last day of my drops diet and it’s now time to leave for the airport and party our little socks off! So, how did I get on? Weeelllll, I didn’t lose quite as much weight as I’d hoped…half a stone in total….BUT considering I was on holiday from work for three weeks of the total four of the diet, lying by the pool for one of them, drinking wine and vodka cocktails (not in the same glass, obvs – that would be wrong), eating out and not doing any real exercise to write home about, I don’t think that was too bad a result. I reckon if you exercised like a demon and cut out alcohol completely you could easily lose three times that. Easily. I amazed myself by not having a single slice of bread, potato or crisp (…actually, I might have had a packet of crisps, but only one) for the entire month, and have consumed more fruit, veg, cous cous and general healthy stuff in this last four weeks than in the past year. I’ve never come anywhere near 5-a-day before now (unless we’re talking five units of alcohol) yet this has been a breeze. Enjoyable, even. I actually feel like I’ve changed my attitude and lifestyle, not just shed a few pounds and taken some magic drops.
Can I keep it up? That remains to be seen, but I’ll be doing my best to stick to the approved foods list and a healthier diet as a way of life from now on. Anyway, I’m off to shake my (slightly smaller) booty to house music on Bossa beach with the rest of the Clockwork Orange crew. Hasta lluego, amigos!