This year has been a rollercoaster for me. As an Aries, I thrive on excitement and adrenaline…but somehow the rush got a little too intense, even for a hyper Type A like me. I realised that I love challenges and change…but that you cannot underestimate the importance of those comforting constants in your life too. You need to feel grounded sometimes.

Being a childless divorcee can feel like a weightless state: on the one hand there’s a sense of freedom and lightness that come from knowing you only have yourself to look after day-to-day. I can live spontaneously, moment-to-moment. If I want to pack a bag and disappear at the drop of a hat, I will. I can (and do!) stay out dancing all night long, without having to pre-plan months in advance – or even make a phone call to say I’ll be late. Whatever!

However, when you don’t have a family you can also feel disconnected, unworthy, insignificant; shut out from a society that values parenting above any other role. Consequently, you’re like a balloon floating on the breeze…and sometimes you get caught on the branch of a tree. You realise you’re not invincible after all; balloons are fragile things.

Recently, I’ve had a series of challenges. It can be easy to think: “What are the chances of this (good thing) happening?” “Surely I won’t win this competition/get picked for this opportunity?” Why bother? What’s the point? Throughout my life, I’ve often defied the odds…but not always in a good way! What are the chances of being infertile? 1 in 7. I am an infertile woman. I defied the odds. What are the chances of IVF working? Well, only 25% on average per cycle…but after 3 cycles 75% of women have succeeded. I had 3 cycles. I did not succeed. Again, I defied the odds. I am now one of the 1.5 women in 10 who don’t have children. What percentage of women experience premature menopause? One in 100. Guess what? It was me. I was the one in 100.

So then I started thinking: “What were the chances of all those statistics going against me?” “How come I fell out of the Unlucky Tree and hit every branch on the way down?” But then I also said to myself: “Hang on. If the odds can go against you in a bad way, surely they can work in your favour too?” What if I start going about my life by trying to do things that I would not have thought possible before?

I started to put myself out there a bit more. Someone nominated me for a blog award, so I filled in the application. I was selected as a finalist…one of a handful of over 4000 entrants. (The awards are next month – wish me luck! .) Then I applied for various opportunities…and have been chosen by brands for lots of partnerships and exciting projects. I’m defying the odds – in a good way!

The point I’m trying to make with this blog is this: life is a game of snakes and ladders. Sometimes you are climbing that ladder, feeling fearless…and then you’re suddenly knocked off course, sliding down the back of a huge snake. Your confidence takes a hit. But just when you think you’re destined to be writhing in the snake pit forever, suddenly you’ll see a chink of light and someone will chuck you a rope ladder. Don’t give up. There will be tons of snakes…but there are just as many ladders. You just have to hang in there and keep playing the game.

When I think to myself: “Why me?” I also think: “Why not me?” And that goes for good things as well as bad. Why shouldn’t I be selected? I used to hear the expression “Your number’s up” as a negative statement: you’ve had it, game over. Now I think of that phrase in terms of being chosen or winning something. (The lottery maybe? That’d be nice.) So maybe this year my number will be up: I might win something; I’ll get chosen; it might be my turn. I’ve defied the odds before, in so many ways.

Perhaps I’ll be in the 1% again.

But this time in a good way.

(As I was writing this it also occurred to me: today is my birthday. I was once a sperm who defied the odds to get to the egg. The chances of that sperm being me were about one in 300 million. If you’re reading this, you’ve already defied the odds. Now get out there and keeping defying them. You got this!)

Sam x

Fancy reading my back-story before you go any further? You can find my other blogs at:

www.costaricachica1.blogspot.com
www.samgoessolo.blogspot.com
www.mummymission.blogspot.com
www.worldwidewalsh.blogspot.com

Follow me:

Twitter: @SamanthaWalsh76 (lifeabirdseyeview)
Facebook: @lifeabirdseyeview
Instagram: @lifeabirdseyeview

The post Your Number’s Up! appeared first on Life: A Birds Eye View.

My social media newsfeeds have been awash with a flurry of engagement announcements this Christmas: loved-up couples beaming contently at the camera, sparkling diamond rings proudly held aloft. Good luck to them, I say. Heaven knows they’ll need it. Nobody likes a naysaying numpty tarnishing the impending nuptials, but with 42% of marriages ending in the dreaded d-word, it’s a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a decent divorce lawyer.

Divorce: a word guaranteed to strike fear into the (broken) hearts of men- and womenfolk up and down the land. Often whispered in hushed tones, it’s a word that’s about as popular as cancer, but unfortunately just as common: 1 in 2 people in the UK will get that dreaded cancer diagnosis in their lifetime; it’s the same sorry state of affairs for marriage. And, like cancer, nobody thinks it will happen to them…until it does.

“Who are you – the voice of doom?” I hear you cry. Hell no! I was once a Smug Married too, you know. Rather than exacerbate the post-Christmas blues, as a recent divorcee myself I’m here to offer a soggy shoulder for soon-to-be-singletons to cry on, swiftly followed by some practical advice for those facing major marital upheaval in 2018. So, if your relationship has hit the buffers since the Boxing Day buffet, dry your eyes and read on…

The first working Monday of the New Year, in this case 8th January 2018, is commonly known as D-Day, or Divorce Day, since this is the day that family lawyers see a 25% uplift in enquiries from stressed-out spouses. This is not usually the result of one seasonal squabble too many, or being freshly outraged by those liberty-taking in-laws; on the contrary, most couples agree to put on a brave face during festivities for the sake of the family, vowing to seek advice in the New Year when relatives have gone home and everyone has settled back into their regular routines. Surreptitious right-swiping and being overheard whispering sweet nothings to Annie in Accounts during the holidays can also sound the death knell for doomed relationships, as can the overwhelming desire for a fresh start which often accompanies a brand new year.

70% of divorce cases in the UK are instigated by women, who cite infidelity, boredom, lack of appreciation and an unequal divvying-up of the household chores as major reasons for resentment. Unlike our grandparents’ generation, when “put up and shut up” was the marriage mantra, nowadays women are as likely as men to be working full-time – and are as such unwilling to bear the brunt of back-breaking housework from 5-9 as well as the 9-5.

But is divorce the answer? A staggering 54% of divorcees admit to having second thoughts about their decision to divorce, and 1 in 5 divorced couples are still together years after deciding to give things another go.

Something to think about before diving head-long into complex and costly divorce proceedings is a Reconciliation Contract. Relatively unheard of here in the UK, these post-nup agreements are commonplace in the US, and are a clear way of agreeing the split of debts and assets should the divorce go ahead, plus the changes required on both sides to avoid such an eventuality. An example of such a contract can be found here. It may be, for example, that the couple agrees to a six-month separation, during which time they must abide by certain rules and make specific changes to their behaviours. In the event that these rules and actions are broken by either or both parties, the divorce proceedings are started, with the split of assets pre-agreed.

Whilst divorce is clearly a big money-spinner for family lawyers, no solicitor worth their salt actually wants to see families split, and has a duty of care to ensure that divorce is a last resort. A reconciliation contract supports this. Avoid the later heartache of “shoulda, woulda, coulda” by giving yourselves the time and breathing space to cool off and attempt to resolve your differences. You never know, you may even rediscover what made you fall in love with one another in the first place. Do fun things; go on dates. Take it one step at a time. The old adage: “the couple that plays together, stays together” may just prove accurate.

The family law organisation Resolution, which boasts a 6500-strong membership of lawyers and other professionals committed to non-confrontational divorce, recently drew up a revised code of practice to mark Good Divorce Week. Amongst other pledges, the code commits members to reducing or managing “any conflict and confrontation; for example, by not using inflammatory language” and to supporting and encouraging “families to put the best interests of any children first.”

Another mission of Resolution, with the support of other organisations, is to lobby Parliament to introduce the ‘no fault divorce.’ Many other countries, including the USA, Russia, China and Australia, already allow for divorce without apportioning blame. Here in the UK, unless the couple have been separated for at least two years, one partner is encouraged to heap blame on the other, citing infidelity or irreconcilable differences for the divorce. This creates an air of hostility and fault-finding which is both unnecessary and inflammatory, and in many cases causes couples to invent grounds for divorce, making a peaceful resolution less likely. The ‘fault-free divorce’ would see couples give notice and if they both feel the same way six months later, the divorce is granted.

So, what if divorce is inevitable – how much will it cost? If you absolutely cannot separate your assets without the assistance of a lawyer, then of course it’s going to cost you – often thousands of pounds, as their average hourly rate is £200. The good news is that if you can settle your divorce amicably it only need cost £550, which is the basic fee. The YouGov website has all the forms and information you require.

If it all feels a bit daunting, an online service such as Quickie Divorce can provide reassurance, assist with the process and provide guidance for completing the forms, from as little as £39. I used a combination of Quickie Divorce and the YouGov website, splitting the costs with my ex-husband, costing less than £300 each in total. Here’s a brief summary of the process:

• Go to YouGov and prepare 3 copies of Divorce Petition Form D8.
• Enter your postcode to find your nearest Regional Divorce Centre.
• Send the forms and provide your details so they can call you to collect the £550 fee by debit/credit card.
• Respondent is sent the petition form and replies using Acknowledgement of Service form within 8 days.
• Apply for a Decree Nisi using the form D84. You will also need to complete the relevant statement form, according to the reason you’ve given for divorce.
• If the judge approves your application, a date is set for the hearing (usually 4 weeks’ notice is given; no need to attend unless there are objections).
• Decree Nisi is granted.
• Wait 6 weeks and 1 day, then apply for Decree Absolute using the form D36.
• Decree Absolute is granted.

The entire (uncontested) process takes around 4-6 months. You are then free to remarry…

…if you dare.

Sam x

Fancy reading my back-story before you go any further? You can find my other blogs at:

www.costaricachica1.blogspot.com
www.samgoessolo.blogspot.com
www.mummymission.blogspot.com
www.worldwidewalsh.blogspot.com

Follow me:

Twitter: @SamanthaWalsh76 (Life:ABird’sEyeView)
Facebook: @lifeabirdseyeview
Instagram: @lifeabirdseyeview

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