As the country, nay the world, descends into maternity mania once again at the arrival of yet another blue-blooded baby, our newspapers and newsfeeds awash with the details as if the arrival of a child was something unusual in a world already buckling under the strain of 7 billion humans, spare a thought for a moment for the women for whom this public display of pronatalism causes deep dread rather than excitement: those childless-not-by-choice.

It’s the question that every involuntarily childless woman dreads, and it almost always comes from another woman: “So, how many children do you have?” Rarely does the interrogator even notice the subtle shift in the demeanour of the object of her questions: the sudden peak in heart rate, the deep breath as she reaches down into the depths of her soul and steels herself to deliver the most emotionally-charged of revelations in as casual a manner as she can muster: “Oh, none, actually.”

The childless woman silently pleads with the other female to read the warning message in her eyes to leave it there, change the subject. This rarely happens. “Oh, you didn’t want any? I can’t say I blame you (grabbing one of her wayward offspring by the arm and gently strapping them into the buggy), it’s such hard work. You can borrow one of mine if you like.” And off she goes, buffered by her burgeoning brood, completely oblivious to the small fragment of the other woman’s heart that she has inadvertently chipped away and crushed to bits under the retreating buggy’s wheels.

Being an infertile woman myself, scarred by my failed quest to become a mother, I had felt like an inconvenience to society; an insignificant other. So when I came across Denise Felkin’s photographic project entitled Mum’s Not The Word, a collection of 50 images representing the 20% of women in the UK who are childless or childfree, I was eager to take part – despite the fact that to do so would require me to pose naked in the foetal position, exposing my body as well as my soul. I was undeterred by this requirement; finally, my voice would be heard. As founder of The Non-Mum Network, I enlisted other women from my group to take part. They were willing to do so for similar reasons to my own: whether reluctantly childless, or childfree by choice, they felt their stories deserved to be told; that their existence as a woman without children is every bit as valid as that of someone who has reproduced.

And so it was that one sunny summer’s day in 2017 I travelled to Brighton, my duvet in tow, and disrobed for Denise. A childfree woman herself, she immediately made me feel at ease, and before I knew it she’d snapped away and the shoot was complete. As I nervously awaited the resulting photographs to appear on her screen and wrote the short script that would accompany my image, a sense of calm, empowerment and pride came over me: I had spoken up for childless women everywhere. And it felt good.

And I was not alone. The group of women willing to share their stories and pose naked for the book grew – their reasons for not being mothers as diverse as their skin tones, nationalities and backgrounds. Amongst the women who volunteered to be laid bare, challenging the viewer to appreciate how it might feel to experience life in her skin, is Ellen Rose, the cover girl for the book. “I never had a good relationship with my own mother,” she says simply.

Other participants such as Kat Adam, cite ambivalence towards parenthood. Mel Kalay says that “my life is fulfilled in many ways without children.” Some of the women have been influenced by environmental factors. Tamara says: “There are too many people on the planet already, and I fear for future generations in the light of our rapidly-changing climate.”

Some have thrown everything science has to offer at their motherhood mission, only to be left with nothing to show for their efforts but a greatly diminished bank balance and tainted personal relationships. Some have lost children.

The quotes are by turn shocking, inspiring and sometimes heartbreaking, but always brutally honest, as we invite you to see the world through our eyes as non-mothers. Rather than be dismissed as selfish spinsters or crazy cat ladies, our stories, printed alongside our unfiltered photographs, reveal our pasts, which, like our bodies, may not be perfect, but they are one hundred per cent ours. And we’re not ashamed to claim them.

Mum’s Not The Word, published 31st May 2019, is a groundbreaking photobook about women without children. The nude images of real women in the foetal position challenge the negative attitudes within society towards women who are not mothers, and the text shares their stories of birth and death, choice, freedom, pain…and regret. Mum’s Not The Word debates the social stigmatisation of women, who, by choice, circumstance or otherwise, go against the instinct for childbirth and maternal productivity.

To find out more go to www.mumsnottheword.com. To purchase your copy of the book click here.

Sam x

The post Mum’s Not The Word appeared first on Life: A Birds Eye View.

….’free.’

I know, I know! How silly to let a lovely little fella like Free bother me, when he’s such a gentle little guy, who’s usually greeted warmly and ushered inside: “Oh look who’s here everyone – it’s Free!” Who wouldn’t welcome Free to a party? We all love Freddie Freebie….don’t we? Well, usually, I’d agree. I’m the first one to buy a magazine I have zero interest in because, well, there’s something free on the front….or to rush to join a crowd at the station on my way home from work because a company is dishing out ‘free stuff’ to careworn commuters.

But on this occasion the word ‘free’ was used after another one: child. I am a woman without children. So why would being described as ‘childfree’ bother me? Until now, it hasn’t, really. I preferred it to childless, because I felt that being described as ‘a childless woman’ made me sound like I was lacking; less than. It sounded sad, as though a life without children is a wasted opportunity, when we all know that isn’t the case. If anything, I’ve probably been able to do a lot of things that I wouldn’t have been able to, had I dedicated myself to family life: travel the world, go clubbing regularly (even to this day, in my forties – I know, disgraceful!), be spontaneous, take risks, spend money on frivolities, and so forth.

That’s not to say I didn’t want children, or try my damnedest to get them – quite the opposite, in fact: I was desperate to be a mother. Like any passionate clubber, I wanted to cross the red rope into the plush VIP lounge. But it turned out there was one members-only club I’d never gain access to: the Mum Club. Despite trying everything – including arduous fertility treatment – my name was never added to the guest list; I wasn’t welcome. The door was rudely slammed in my face on each occasion. Eventually I conceded defeat and started my own club, a Facebook group called The Non-Mum Network. It attracted women without children for a whole variety of reasons: some by choice, some by circumstance, some unable to, like myself.

Despite all having that one thing in common, there is one key word that separates us women without kids into two camps: choice. Generally, those that choose not to give birth refer to themselves as ‘childfree,’ whereas those who had their non-mum status thrust upon them without a choice see themselves as ‘childless.’ Some would say it’s a small detail, but nonetheless it’s an important one. Choice is everything. A situation of your own making, rather than one you’ve unwittingly found yourself in, dramatically alters your perception of it. It turns out that childfree and childless are poles apart. Chalk and cheese. Night and day. It’s the difference between choosing to stay in, and being grounded. Choice.

That’s not to say we don’t get along, or respect one another’s situation, because generally, and in my Non-Mum group, at least – we do. We have a lot in common, after all. Yet recently the divide was brought into sharp focus.

Last year I took part in a project with acclaimed British photographer, Denise Felkin. Entitled Mum’s Not The Word, she photographed childless (childfree?!) women, naked and in the foetal position, to highlight the stigma attached to not giving birth. Each woman, including myself here, bravely disrobed and curled up on her own duvet, brought from home and transported to Denise’s Brighton studio, to represent women without children everywhere – a section of society largely ignored and disregarded in a family-centric world. Each gave her reason for not being a mother, captioned alongside her photograph. Well, pregnant women are often photographed naked, I figured, so why not us? We deserve a voice too, and what better way to be represented honestly than naked – tastefully of course – in all our vulnerable glory? Parents or not, we’re all just human at the end of the day; mere mortals. Being naked illustrates that point perfectly. It is a powerful image which has seen Denise nominated for multiple awards, and which has divided public opinion: are the women childless, or childfree? Since Denise appeared on the BBC about her project last week, the light discussion has become a war of words…

Having largely overcome my sorrow around not being a mother and (I thought) fully accepted the situation, I’d shrugged off my childless chrysalis and started to view myself as a childfree butterfly. Yet the furious response from those childfree-by-choice to the Mum’s Not The Word project sometimes being described by the media as representing ‘childless women’ made me realise I’m not one of them. I’m actually not childfree at all. I never will be, not really. I didn’t choose this life, although I’m determined to make the most of it. Our outlooks are entirely different. I will always be a bit childless. And they will always be proudly waving the childfree banner. I can see how being described as ‘childless’ has negative connotations, yet to describe myself as childfree would be to deny the fact that I did actually want children. We are not the same. So what was originally one artist’s striking use of imagery around parenthood vs non-parenthood, has morphed into a fierce debate about whether women without children should be referred to as childless or childfree. And that is the beauty of thought-provoking art.

I take my hat (and the rest of my clothes) off to you, Denise. Job done.

Childless or Childfree? Denise herself says: “I am forty-eight and childfree. I do not want or have never wanted children. I have had a few pregnancy scares in my life. Each time I prayed to the universe it would not happen to me. Thankfully the result always came back negative. I am now too old to reproduce. The wish I made in my younger years is almost true. Occasionally I question myself if I made the right decision? Am I infertile? How would a child have changed my life? How would having a child have affected my career as an artist? Why would I want to bring a child into a world of uncertainty? Mum’s Not The Word is a photographic project which debates the social stigmatisation of women, whom by choice or for medical reasons, friction against the instinct of childbirth and maternal productivity. The project brings together images of the female form, positioned in the foetus position, in reverse. I choose foetus shaped bodies to connect the typologies and to represent divisions of women’s experience between the female reproductive system and menopause. I photograph women of an array of ages, skin tones, body shapes, to document the attitude towards the negative position of the foetus within society today.” 

Are you a woman without children? Are you childless or childfree? I’d love to hear your opinions on this. 

This article has also appeared on the front page of the Huffington Post UK here.

www.costaricachica1.blogspot.com
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