“I met my husband, Liam, in 1998 in Ibiza when I was 22 and he was 20. We married seven years later. We started trying for a family when I was 30, and I assumed it’d be straightforward as it had been for all my friends. But after a year without any success, I visited my GP. Tests eventually showed my fallopian tubes were blocked and that our only option was IVF.

I was utterly destroyed – it felt so unfair. Liam was disappointed too, but really supportive. We had to wait two years for treatment but, in 2009, we started our first cycle of the three we were entitled to on the NHS.

DASHED HOPES

We were so hopeful our baby dream would finally come true – and devastated when the first attempt failed. Liam did his best to comfort me and keep me feeling positive. Looking back, I think he bottled up his feelings to keep strong for me. By the second round of IVF, it had taken over our lives and the romance in our relationship was non-existent – neither of us felt much like being intimate. We started to row, largely because of the hormones I took for the treatment – and we were so focused on becoming parents, we didn’t think about “us.”

After the second round failed, we had our third and final attempt in August 2011. Despite our hopes being pinned on it, we found out on our sixth wedding anniversary that i wasn’t pregnant. I felt hopeless and didn’t think I’d ever feel happy again, but we decided not to have more treatment as we couldn’t risk further devastation. We did talk about adoption and fostering, but both decided we were no longer in a good enough place. We were exhausted and I became depressed. Without a common goal of a family, Liam and I lost our focus and began to drift apart. We struggled on for the next 18 months. I wanted to shut myself away while he wanted to go out with his friends. I had counselling, but he refused.

A DIFFICULT DECISION

In December 2012, we finally decided to split up. We were both so sad about the collapse of our 15-year relationship, but seeing each other every day was just a reminder of the grief we felt. I suspect we’d still be married if we hadn’t put ourselves through IVF, but I’d have regretted it if we hadn’t tried. Today Liam and I are still on good terms – he has had other relationships but doesn’t have children. We meet up occasionally for dinner.

I met my current partner, Andy, who is 35, there years ago and he has two young daughters, who we see regularly. He doesn’t want any more children, but I love being around his girls and I don’t find myself feeling jealous. And my sister has a three-year-old son, Hayden, so I’m an aunty too, which has helped me come to terms with the fact that I’ll never become a mum. I try not to dwell on what might have been and have found purpose in other areas of my life, such as travelling and blogging about my experiences of being a childfree woman. Finally, life is good again.”

Sam x

Fancy reading my back-story before you go any further? You can find my other blogs at:

www.costaricachica1.blogspot.com
www.samgoessolo.blogspot.com
www.mummymission.blogspot.com
www.worldwidewalsh.blogspot.com

Follow me:

Twitter: @SamanthaWalsh76 (Life:ABird’sEyeView)
Facebook: @lifeabirdseyeview
Instagram: @lifeabirdseyeview

The post I’m In Closer Magazine: The Tragic Cost Of Failed IVF appeared first on Life: A Birds Eye View.

And lo, thanks to the almighty combined superpowers of Messrs Hashtag and Keyword, those marvellously mystical Twitter algorithms brought us together. Ahhh. It was a match made in digital heaven: I welcomed her into my Non-Mum club and in return immediately signed up to feature in her project. Naked. <Gulp>.

Are you out of your tiny mind, I asked myself? (especially since the rest of me is not quite so tiny). Why would you want to do such a thing? Well, as a childless woman I feel we are underrepresented (and often misunderstood) by society, who regard us on the whole as witches, freaks or cold-hearted cat-ladies. I fully support any initiative that seeks to tell our stories, to push back against prejudice, smash stereotypes and simply depict us as we are: human; complex; flawed – with a back-story, just like anyone else.

Time flew by, as it has a habit of doing; before I knew it I was sitting in the passenger seat of Andy’s car as he whisked us to Brighton for the Sunday morning shoot – shaved, plucked and buffed to within an inch of my life, liberally marinated in self-tan; practising sucking in my tummy without looking like a constipated warthog in the wing mirror.

At the point of setting the date for the shoot I’d started an internal dialogue, attempting to convince my sceptical inner self that we’d be eating nothing but mung beans and courgetti spaghetti in the run-up – the outcome being that I’d regularly be mistaken for Elsa Hosk or some other sylph-like Victoria’s Secret model in the photos. No need to fret about my (Non) Mum Tum or dimpled thighs. Sorted.

Of course we both knew, my inner voice and I, that this game plan was more BS than VS. I was spinning a yarn in my head; I had zero intention of sweating it out at a spin class or sitting at home of an evening farting about spiralising veg. I’d rather gouge my own eyes out with the complimentary chopsticks than exist on vegan bento boxes. It was never gonna happen. Sure enough, the pre-naked-photoshoot “diet” consisted of my usual calorie-laden carbs washed down with prosecco…but on the morning of the shoot I skipped breakfast. Yep, that should do it.

Denise greeted us at the door to her studio in the hippy haven of Brighton and we set about prepping for the money shot. As the women in the sequence must all be photographed in the same way – curled in the reverse foetal position on a bed, shot from above – it was vital that everything was just so. Denise has been working on the series for two years now, gradually expanding her portfolio of images of childless women. I’m number 17 in the sequence, with her target being 66, so there’s a fair way to go. It’s a work in progress; already exhibited at Somerset House in London as well as in Cologne; nominated for a Sony World Photography Award amongst many others and has attracted tons of media attention. Denise, herself a childless woman aged 49, says: “Mum’s Not The Word brings together images of the female form, positioned in the foetal position, in reverse. The foetus is representational of an intimate and introspective metaphysical investigation. It is a posture that relates to the female as reproducer and acts as a metaphor for the seed within and the world without.”

To further personalise the piece, each woman involved brings her own duvet cover, something which I found comfortingly familiar as I disrobed and got into position on the bed. The camera clicked; Denise busied herself around me, arranging my hair, the mattress and the bedding, giving me directions as to the exact positioning of my hands and feet. Andy assisted with lighting; he enjoyed being involved in “creating art” as he put it. A few minor issues with annoying shadows and ugly creases (on the bedcovers, not me, fortunately)….and then we were done!

I got dressed and we gathered around excitedly to check out the photographs on Denise’s laptop. Sure, I had my rounded belly and the VS girls wouldn’t be out of a job anytime soon, but I felt empowered, elated. I was proud of myself; finally accepting of my body and forgiving it for the fact that I’ll never be a mother. I looked perfectly imperfect – refreshing in today’s world of photoshop, airbrushing and adding filters.

The figure in the picture is strong; real; vulnerable; at peace. The figure in the picture is me. Each image in the series is briefly captioned with the subject’s story in her own words. We represent a growing number of women who aren’t mothers for various reasons, but are still valid members of society with a lot to offer; we don’t want to remain invisible.

I may be a Non, but I’m not Anon.

If you’re a Non-Mum interested in taking part in Denise Felkin’s project Mum’s Not The Word or you know someone who may be, please share this blog post with them or contact Denise directly at denisefelkin@hotmail.com. You can also follow her on Twitter and join the Mum’s Not The Word Facebook group. 

Sam x


Fancy reading my back-story before you go any further? You can find my other blogs at:

www.costaricachica1.blogspot.com
www.samgoessolo.blogspot.com
www.mummymission.blogspot.com
www.worldwidewalsh.blogspot.com

Follow me:

Twitter: @SamanthaWalsh76 (Life:ABird’sEyeView)
Facebook: @lifeabirdseyeview
Instagram: @lifeabirdseyeview

The post Mum’s Not The Word appeared first on Life: A Birds Eye View.