As the country, nay the world, descends into maternity mania once again at the arrival of yet another blue-blooded baby, our newspapers and newsfeeds awash with the details as if the arrival of a child was something unusual in a world already buckling under the strain of 7 billion humans, spare a thought for a moment for the women for whom this public display of pronatalism causes deep dread rather than excitement: those childless-not-by-choice.

It’s the question that every involuntarily childless woman dreads, and it almost always comes from another woman: “So, how many children do you have?” Rarely does the interrogator even notice the subtle shift in the demeanour of the object of her questions: the sudden peak in heart rate, the deep breath as she reaches down into the depths of her soul and steels herself to deliver the most emotionally-charged of revelations in as casual a manner as she can muster: “Oh, none, actually.”

The childless woman silently pleads with the other female to read the warning message in her eyes to leave it there, change the subject. This rarely happens. “Oh, you didn’t want any? I can’t say I blame you (grabbing one of her wayward offspring by the arm and gently strapping them into the buggy), it’s such hard work. You can borrow one of mine if you like.” And off she goes, buffered by her burgeoning brood, completely oblivious to the small fragment of the other woman’s heart that she has inadvertently chipped away and crushed to bits under the retreating buggy’s wheels.

Being an infertile woman myself, scarred by my failed quest to become a mother, I had felt like an inconvenience to society; an insignificant other. So when I came across Denise Felkin’s photographic project entitled Mum’s Not The Word, a collection of 50 images representing the 20% of women in the UK who are childless or childfree, I was eager to take part – despite the fact that to do so would require me to pose naked in the foetal position, exposing my body as well as my soul. I was undeterred by this requirement; finally, my voice would be heard. As founder of The Non-Mum Network, I enlisted other women from my group to take part. They were willing to do so for similar reasons to my own: whether reluctantly childless, or childfree by choice, they felt their stories deserved to be told; that their existence as a woman without children is every bit as valid as that of someone who has reproduced.

And so it was that one sunny summer’s day in 2017 I travelled to Brighton, my duvet in tow, and disrobed for Denise. A childfree woman herself, she immediately made me feel at ease, and before I knew it she’d snapped away and the shoot was complete. As I nervously awaited the resulting photographs to appear on her screen and wrote the short script that would accompany my image, a sense of calm, empowerment and pride came over me: I had spoken up for childless women everywhere. And it felt good.

And I was not alone. The group of women willing to share their stories and pose naked for the book grew – their reasons for not being mothers as diverse as their skin tones, nationalities and backgrounds. Amongst the women who volunteered to be laid bare, challenging the viewer to appreciate how it might feel to experience life in her skin, is Ellen Rose, the cover girl for the book. “I never had a good relationship with my own mother,” she says simply.

Other participants such as Kat Adam, cite ambivalence towards parenthood. Mel Kalay says that “my life is fulfilled in many ways without children.” Some of the women have been influenced by environmental factors. Tamara says: “There are too many people on the planet already, and I fear for future generations in the light of our rapidly-changing climate.”

Some have thrown everything science has to offer at their motherhood mission, only to be left with nothing to show for their efforts but a greatly diminished bank balance and tainted personal relationships. Some have lost children.

The quotes are by turn shocking, inspiring and sometimes heartbreaking, but always brutally honest, as we invite you to see the world through our eyes as non-mothers. Rather than be dismissed as selfish spinsters or crazy cat ladies, our stories, printed alongside our unfiltered photographs, reveal our pasts, which, like our bodies, may not be perfect, but they are one hundred per cent ours. And we’re not ashamed to claim them.

Mum’s Not The Word, published 31st May 2019, is a groundbreaking photobook about women without children. The nude images of real women in the foetal position challenge the negative attitudes within society towards women who are not mothers, and the text shares their stories of birth and death, choice, freedom, pain…and regret. Mum’s Not The Word debates the social stigmatisation of women, who, by choice, circumstance or otherwise, go against the instinct for childbirth and maternal productivity.

To find out more go to www.mumsnottheword.com. To purchase your copy of the book click here.

Sam x

The post Mum’s Not The Word appeared first on Life: A Birds Eye View.

Argh! It’s happened! My newsfeed is full of back-to-school snaps!
Well, fear not, Non-Mums, because next week is our week :

Stephanie, founder of World Childless Week, and I recorded this video chat last week to tell you all about it.

The daily themes:

Useful links:

World Childless Week

The Non-Mum Network

Childless Path To Acceptance

Childless Chit-Chat

Childless Perks

Gateway Women 

Please share this post or create one of your own about World Childless Week to help raise awareness of childlessness and show your support for Non-Mums everywhere.

Sam x

The post World Childless Week appeared first on Life: A Birds Eye View.

If you are a mum, I hope this Sunday brings you all the treats that you deserve, be that a lie-in (depending on the age of your children this may be possible…or as likely as a trip to the moon), flowers, chocolates, breakfast in bed – or maybe a Sunday lunch out with your family. Perhaps even all of the above, if you’re really lucky! It’s your day – make the most of it.

If you’re a childless woman who struggles through Mothers Day with a smile, all the while holding it together and praying the day passes by as quickly as possible, here are a few tips for getting through the day as painlessly as you can:

1. Focus on your own mum

If you’re lucky enough to have your mum around, cherish her. If she’s anything like my amazing mum (aka De Mama) then she probably deserves a medal. None of us know how long we have with our loved ones, but the fact is, we’re all on borrowed time. I’ve been fortunate enough to have two amazing holidays with my mum recently, and have written blogs about both our Costa Rica and Thailand trips. Make memories and capture them. They are far more valuable than buying ‘stuff’.

2. Be kind to yourself

If you don’t have children to buy you flowers on Mother’s Day, why not treat yourself to some? You don’t have to be a mum to be worthy of some beautiful blooms, like these ones from Prestige Flowers. They brighten up your home and your mood. Childless women can feel down in the run-up to occasions like Mother’s Day and Christmas, as well as the big days themselves, as it reminds us of what we don’t have. Allow yourself a short period of reflection, then remind yourself how strong you are and how far you’ve come and slay the day, girlfriend! You are a warrior woman! And warriors deserve treats.

3. Book a trip

It’s not Mother’s Day everywhere in the world! If you’re feeling overwhelmed by sadness at the prospect of Mother’s Day, book a trip to a place where it’s not Mother’s Day at all! Here’s the list of who celebrates when. I know people who have lost mothers or children who do this, and it helps to take their mind off the day’s celebrations back home. Ditto Christmas. Of course, Christmas is Christmas wherever you are, but if you’ve ever had December 25th somewhere hot when you’re from a cold climate or vice versa, you’ll know that it feels so unlike your traditional celebrations that it hardly seems like Christmas at all. I still can’t get over the feeling of spending Christmas Day on the beach in Sydney one year – weird, but fun!

4. Have a Non-Mother’s Day date

Get together with your childless/childfree mates (if you can find some – we’re a rare species) and have an alternative Non-Mother’s Day celebration. If you don’t have non-mum mates, join a group (like mine: The Non Mum Network) and find your tribe! Avoid traditional family eateries as they’ll be full of families and Mums Go Free! offers (ahem, what about us?!). Choose a swanky, family-unfriendly establishment and enjoy the chilled ambience and (uninterrupted!) chat.

5. Stay off social media

You know your newsfeed will be clogged up with proud mummies showing off their gifts and family snaps. In the name of self-preservation, stay away. It’s just one day. Tomorrow those same mums will be back to bemoaning bad behaviour and asking if it’s wine o’clock yet. Count your blessings

That’s it! Whether you’re a mum or a non-mum this Mother’s Day, I wish you a wonderful day filled with love and laughter.

I was lucky enough to be gifted these gorgeous treats from Prestige Flowers which I had sent to my mum for Mother’s Day (don’t worry, I got her my own gift too ). There’s a huge range of flowers available for every budget and preference on their website. Next day delivery is available if ordered before 9pm, there’s a £5 off voucher inside your order, and there’s even a free box of luxury chocolates thrown in at the moment too. Result! My mum was delighted with her early Mother’s Day treats – I’m sure yours will be too.

Oh, and non-mums – go on, treat yourselves!

Sam x

PS – Non-Mums, did you know that there’s a CNBC Magazine, and World Childless Week? I told you we count too!

An abridged version of this article has also appeared at Huffington Post UK here.

Fancy reading my back-story before you go any further? You can find my other blogs at:

www.costaricachica1.blogspot.com
www.samgoessolo.blogspot.com
www.mummymission.blogspot.com
www.worldwidewalsh.blogspot.com

Follow me:

Twitter: @SamanthaWalsh76 (lifeabirdseyeview)
Facebook: @lifeabirdseyeview
Instagram: @lifeabirdseyeview

The post Celebrating Mums (And Non-Mums) On Mother’s Day appeared first on Life: A Birds Eye View.

So not me, then: a straight, white, working-class, able-bodied woman?

If you see me walking down the street, dressed up to the nines to meet my friends for a night out, or on my way to work, you’d be forgiven for assuming I was the epitome of Western privilege, and in many ways I am: educated; employed; financially independent; a homeowner, albeit mortgaged – although otherwise debt-free.

Yet despite appearances, I am part of a minority group. Allow me to explain….

84% of the population reproduce
87% of women become mothers
1 in 8 couples have infertility issues
1/3 of those cases are male factor, 1/3 female, 1/3 unexplained
11% of women have fertility issues
Fewer than 3% of those require ivf
IVF has around a 25% success rate each cycle, meaning 75% of all IVF cycles fail
I had 3 failed IVF cycles
That puts me in the less than 1% of the general population who remain infertile and childless as a result of failed ivf.

So let me ask that again. Do you still think I’m not part of a minority, discriminated against accordingly?

Before you get the violins out to play the soundtrack to the world’s worst-attended pity party, the reason for this article is simply to raise awareness for the upcoming World Childless Week. Society is geared towards family life, since that is the accepted norm: the average British woman has 1.9 children. Those who do not fit this accepted status are often viewed with suspicion: seen as less nurturing and caring, more narcissistic. Selfish.

Sociologist Louis Wirth defined a minority group as: “a group of people who, because of their physical or cultural characteristics, are singled out from the others in the society in which they live for differential and unequal treatment, and who therefore regard themselves as objects of collective discrimination.”

I regularly experience discrimination, prejudice, lack of empathy and understanding, a “them and us” attitude from many parents, and general social ostracisation. This is despite the fact that, like many of those belonging to minorities, I attempted to conform. I longed to be Mrs Average; to fit in. I tried my hardest to join the 8 in 10 women who are mothers. I wanted to chat about buggy brands and breastfeeding with my besties, not sit squirming on the sidelines whilst everyone discusses potty training, or how to get their offspring to eat vegetables.

People are attracted to those they have something in common with, so it stands to reason that parents seek out other parents – not least for validation and reassurance. Attempts by childless women to contribute to conversations about child-rearing are generally met with dismissal and disdain (it’s understandable – what would I know about the reality of sleepless nights and toddler tantrums?). It’s inevitable that even the strongest and longest of friendships are altered forever when one party becomes a parent.

Later, the conversation shifts to schools, exam results, puberty and boyfriends. Their children are becoming adults. The next stage in this lifelong test will be my friends becoming proud grandparents, and the entire cycle of social exclusion will start again.

Of course, I’m fully aware that compared to those from other minorities, I could be considered one of the lucky ones. My minority group membership is invisible (initially at least, until I get asked those dreaded questions: “so, how old are yours then? Boys or girls?”). I won’t get called a “freak” or have racial abuse hurled at me in the street. But on the flip side, nor will I receive any concessions or allowances based on the fact I’m from a minority group, since it’s not obvious that I’m part of one. Contrary to appearances, I DO know how it feels to be excluded; to be eyed with suspicion, curiosity or disapproval; to be made to feel “less than.” We are not as different as you might think.

So next time you see me in the street, remember: there’s always more to any situation than meets the eye – even for a privileged white, middle-aged woman like me…

Are you a Non-Mum like myself? Would you like to join like-minded women to discuss everything Non-Mum-related? Join my club, The Non-Mum Network here. If you would prefer to chat privately, you can email me at sam@lifeabirdseyeview.com.

Sam x

Fancy reading my back-story before you go any further? You can find my other blogs at:

www.costaricachica1.blogspot.com
www.samgoessolo.blogspot.com
www.mummymission.blogspot.com
www.worldwidewalsh.blogspot.com

Follow me:

Twitter: @SamanthaWalsh76 (Life:ABird’sEyeView)
Facebook: @lifeabirdseyeview
Instagram: @lifeabirdseyeview

The post Minority Report: Them and (a much smaller) ‘Us’ appeared first on Life: A Birds Eye View.