It\u2019s not the one you\u2019re thinking of, or any from the typical arsenal of word-weapons – the ones we humans launch at one another in moments of anger, when the red mist descends and none of the others are quite hitting their target. No, the four-letter word that insulted me recently was one that is usually wholly innocuous; one more commonly looked upon as a \u201cgoody\u201d of the word world. One associated with reward, with gifting; getting something for nothing. And who doesn\u2019t love the instant gratification of getting something \u2018gratis,\u2019 eh? But, somehow, the little word that hurt my feelings was….wait for it…<\/p>\n

….\u2019free.\u2019<\/p>\n

I know, I know! How silly to let a lovely little fella like Free bother me, when he\u2019s such a gentle little guy, who\u2019s usually greeted warmly and ushered inside: \u201cOh look who\u2019s here everyone – it\u2019s Free!\u201d Who wouldn\u2019t welcome Free to a party? We all love Freddie Freebie….don\u2019t we? Well, usually, I\u2019d agree. I\u2019m the first one to buy a magazine I have zero interest in because, well, there\u2019s something free<\/em> on the front….or to rush to join a crowd at the station on my way home from work because a company is dishing out \u2018free stuff\u2019 to careworn commuters.<\/p>\n

But on this occasion the word \u2018free\u2019 was used after another one: child. I am a woman without children. So why would being described as ‘childfree’ bother me? Until now, it hasn\u2019t, really. I preferred it to childless<\/em>, because I felt that being described as \u2018a childless woman\u2019 made me sound like I was lacking; less than. It sounded sad, as though a life without children is a wasted opportunity, when we all know that isn\u2019t the case. If anything, I\u2019ve probably been able to do a lot of things that I wouldn\u2019t have been able to, had I dedicated myself to family life: travel the world, go clubbing regularly (even to this day, in my forties – I know, disgraceful!), be spontaneous, take risks, spend money on frivolities, and so forth.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s not to say I didn\u2019t want children, or try my damnedest to get them – quite the opposite, in fact: I was desperate to be a mother. Like any passionate clubber, I wanted to cross the red rope into the plush VIP lounge. But it turned out there was one members-only club I\u2019d never gain access to: the Mum Club. Despite trying everything – including arduous fertility treatment – my name was never added to the guest list; I wasn\u2019t welcome. The door was rudely slammed in my face on each occasion. Eventually I conceded defeat and started my own club, a Facebook group called The Non-Mum Network<\/strong><\/a><\/span>. It attracted women without children for a whole variety of reasons: some by choice, some by circumstance, some unable to, like myself.<\/p>\n

Despite all having that one thing in common, there is one key word that separates us women without kids into two camps: choice. Generally, those that choose not to give birth refer to themselves as \u2018childfree,\u2019 whereas those who had their non-mum status thrust upon them without a choice see themselves as \u2018childless<\/em>.\u2019 Some would say it\u2019s a small detail, but nonetheless it\u2019s an important one. Choice is everything. A situation of your own making, rather than one you\u2019ve unwittingly found yourself in, dramatically alters your perception of it. It turns out that childfree and childless are poles apart. Chalk and cheese. Night and day. It\u2019s the difference between choosing to stay in, and being grounded. Choice.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s not to say we don\u2019t get along, or respect one another\u2019s situation, because generally, and in my Non-Mum group, at least – we do. We have a lot in common, after all. Yet recently the divide was brought into sharp focus.<\/p>\n

Last year I took part in a project with acclaimed British photographer, Denise Felkin<\/strong><\/a>. Entitled Mum\u2019s Not The Word<\/strong><\/a>, she photographed childless (childfree?!) women, naked and in the foetal position, to highlight the stigma attached to not giving birth. Each woman, including myself\u00a0here<\/strong><\/a>,\u00a0bravely disrobed and curled up on her own duvet, brought from home and transported to Denise\u2019s Brighton studio, to represent women without children everywhere – a section of society largely ignored and disregarded in a family-centric world. Each gave her reason for not being a mother, captioned alongside her photograph. Well, pregnant women are often photographed naked, I figured, so why not us? We deserve a voice too, and what better way to be represented honestly than naked – tastefully of course – in all our vulnerable glory? Parents or not, we\u2019re all just human at the end of the day; mere mortals. Being naked illustrates that point perfectly. It is a powerful image which has seen Denise nominated for multiple awards<\/strong><\/a>, and which has divided public opinion: are the women childless<\/strong><\/a>, or childfree<\/strong><\/a>? Since Denise appeared on the BBC<\/strong><\/a> about her project last week, the light discussion has become a war of words…<\/p>\n