![\"map](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lifeabirdseyeview.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/img_0555.jpg?resize=751%2C640\")
For this particular island-hopping adventure we fly directly into Phuket<\/span><\/strong><\/a> from Gatwick for three nights, then a two-hour ferry to Phi Phi<\/span><\/strong><\/a> for three nights, then another ferry to Koh Lanta<\/span><\/strong><\/a> for three nights, then a ferry to Krabi<\/span><\/strong><\/a> for – yes, you guessed it – three nights. Then it\u2019s on to Phang Nga<\/span><\/strong><\/a> (Pang Ahhh) for a night in the jungle followed by one final night back in Phuket before our Saturday morning flight home. So it\u2019s a circular anti-clockwise island tour planned solely by Yours Truly with a little bit of helpful input from my good mates Google, Booking.com<\/span><\/strong><\/a>\u00a0(this link gives you \u00a315 off) and Hotels.com<\/span><\/strong><\/a>. We\u2019re away for fifteen days: two direct 12-hour flights, three ferries, six hotels (all three or four stars and great reviews). Sound pricey? Nah! The entire trip has cost us less than \u00a3750 each. A weekend in Ibiza costs more than that. Sweet, huh? I\u2019ll write a separate blog post about how to bag the best holiday bargains later…<\/p>\n So, the flight to Phuket is deemed a success by both De Mama and myself, having met the major qualifying criteria that I judge airlines by, which are a). air stewards smiling genuinely, rather than plastering on a lipsticked grimace whilst cursing their customers ventriloquist-style to one another and thinking we\u2019re either too dumb or drunk on the drinks trolley offerings to notice. Which brings me nicely to point b). liberal application of free wines and spirits to aforementioned customers, served with a cheeky wink rather than a jobsworth\u2019s calculation of alcohol measured to 3 decimal points of a cubic millilitre, and c) sufficient legroom for a six-footer like myself, without having to pay an arm and a leg for an emergency exit seat, or saw off<\/em> an arm and a leg in order to fit in a regular one. Nice one Tui<\/span><\/strong><\/a> – you did good.<\/p>\n Stepping off the plane at 7am, we\u2019re hit by a wall of humid heat. It\u2019s as though we\u2019ve stuck our heads into a furnace; we\u2019re wearing our winter-in-London woollies and are instantly sweating like pigs at a disco. Once inside the terminal building, it\u2019s clear we\u2019re going to be here for a while: poker-faced customs officials are painstakingly photographing each person and slowly sorting visas (which are issued for thirty days upon arrival – no need to arrange prior to travel from the UK – which is handy, at least). Less handy is the fact that several planes have come in at once; humans of every flavour and ethnic origin are shedding clothes like we\u2019re at the International Strip Polka Championships. It\u2019s clear we\u2019ll be here for the duration. Ninety minutes later and we\u2019re finally through. I clap eyes on my GBF (Gay Best Friend) Luke in the arrivals hall – he\u2019s just flown in from Kuala Lumpur – grab our bags from the carousel and the three amigos are finally ready to rock and roll.<\/p>\n Our hotel is called Swiss Villas Panoramic<\/span><\/strong><\/a>, and there\u2019s a teeny clue in the title: in order to get those \u2018panoramic\u2019 views they boast about on the website, it is obviously very high up. Which is great…but not exactly ideal when the minibus drops us off at the bottom of the steps and we have to haul our baggage plus our jetlagged asses up a gazillion tiny steps in the blistering heat. Wearing jeans. And thick flight socks. My ears are popping more from the climb up to the hotel than the flight take-off. I need one of De Mama\u2019s boiled sweets for the ascent. We are greeted at the top by our hosts with a \u2018welcome drink\u2019 as promised – which is very<\/em> welcome indeed, seeing as we\u2019re red-faced and gasping for breath like three (unfit) fish out of water.<\/p>\n The most we can muster is a swim in the rooftop pool, a melanin-awakening sunbathing sesh accompanied by the first of many outdoor Thai green curries and an ice cold Chang (or three), then it\u2019s time to catch some much-needed zeds.<\/p>\n Much later, we wake in darkness. Looking out of our little villa over Phuket, we can now appreciate just why they decided to build the place at such altitude: the view is breathtaking. Thousands of twinkling lights from the district\u2019s many buildings adorn the night sky like diamonds, and there\u2019s a light breeze at this height which takes some of the humidity from the air. Up here it\u2019s still like having a hairdryer aimed at your face, but it\u2019s set to medium rather than hot; a welcome relief after an energy-sapping day of unaccustomed heat for us squid-skinned Brits.<\/p>\n We have a cheeky drink at the bar before heading out to explore Patong<\/span><\/strong><\/a>. The district\u2019s main \u2018walking street\u2019 is Bangla Road<\/span><\/strong><\/a>: an intoxicating blend of blaring music, dancing \u2018girls\u2019 (some with giveaway bulging Adam\u2019s apples and a five o\u2019clock shadow) winding and a-grinding round poles, bars, restaurants and shops. It has a distinct flavour of the Khao San Road, which any traveller worth their salt will be familiar with – compulsory backpacker-circuit stuff.<\/p>\n Slightly shell-shocked and jetlagged, we slide into the seats in a randomly-chosen restaurant and select a set menu for three, for convenience. It arrives on segmented school dinner-style trays and we tuck in hungrily. Within seconds, red-hot chilli juice has hit the back of my throat and I proceed to choke almost to death for the next half hour, much to the bemusement of the proprietor. A tourist clutching their throat and writhing about in agony in full view of passers-by browsing the menu outside is hardly good for business, is it? I guzzle down water by frantically upending the bottle like a marathon runner at mile twenty-five and attempt to stifle my agony. Red-faced and eyes bulging for the second time that day, I concede defeat and head home to bed – even the fact that Sven Vath is headlining at the Illuzion nightclub<\/span><\/strong><\/a> a few doors down doesn\u2019t tempt me. Whaat?! I know, I know: I\u2019m getting O.L.D.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n We wake up refreshed and excited, the entire two-week adventure stretching ahead of us. You just can\u2019t beat those First Day Feels (FDFs); the ones you get when you\u2019ve successfully shrugged off the monotony of the rat-race and life feels full of endless possibilities. And in Thailand those possibilities are even more endless than anywhere else. Why? Because they are CHEAP. Maaannn are they cheap. To a Westerner, everything is just so goddamn, ridiculously, laughably, cheap<\/em>. You wanna feel like a millionaire, even just for a little while? The answer…is South. East. Asia, my friend. I keep expecting them to get the memo and create a two-currency system or something, like in Cuba (which I visited last year). The Cubans have one currency for the locals…and another for fleecing wealthy foreigners. Clever, huh? But no, Thailand and the surrounding countries are still dirt cheap. Huzzah! Compared to the absolute rip-off central that is London, Thailand is a skinflint\u2019s wet dream. You can buy an entire main meal, including drink and dessert, for the price of your morning coffee at Starbucks (other equally-overpriced coffee chains are also available). Hence why this newly-unemployed \u2018writer\u2019 (I still feel like a fraud describing myself as a writer without mentally adding an asterisked explanation – or at the very least inverted commas) has chosen this holiday destination. It was a no-brainer.<\/p>\n Anyway, I digress. We inhale the breakfast buffet, which has been lovingly handmade by the proud Swiss owner right down to the jam and muesli (well, it would\u2019ve been rude not to, right?) before heading out to find the nearest massage shop.<\/p>\n Did I mention it was cheap here? An hour-long, full body massage, including clicking of every knuckle and walking barefoot up and down your spine (believe me, no muscle is left unturned), costs the princely sum of…drum roll please…five pounds. Yes, that\u2019s right folks: an hour of bending, twisting and face-pulling as the Thai ladies fold your body into positions not even found in the Karma Sutra (Contortionists Edition), costs a single crisp five pound note. 250 baht. In London, that exact same hour is gonna set you back around fifteen times that amount. And these women don\u2019t mess about; a Thai massage is like a strenuous workout. Not that I would know what one of those feels like, granted. I can\u2019t remember the last time I set foot in a gym. Needless to say, I don\u2019t need a Happy Ending to bounce out of there an hour later with a Cheshire Cat grin plastered on my boat race. Fully limbered up, it\u2019s time to hit the beach.<\/p>\n People-watching on the sand is one of my favourite pastimes, and there\u2019s a lot<\/em> going on on Patong Beach: sellers touting their wares, couples cavorting, jet skis whizzing, and the smell of a thousand dishes mingling from the many restaurants, luring us up to the nearest one. We sip colourful Del Boy-esque cocktails and eat delicious Pad Thai, sprinkling the ground peanuts on top with a squirt of fresh lime, before heading back to sit by the pool.<\/p>\n Feeling frazzled, we get ready to go out before a quick tequila shot at the bar with the Thai co-owner. My (sixty-five year old, usually teetotal) mum Pat gets carried away on the breeze of those FDFs, and spontaneously opts for an ignited B52 from the drinks menu….and almost spontaneously combusts as she sucks the liquid petrol up the straw.<\/p>\n![\"Tui](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lifeabirdseyeview.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/img_0901.jpg?resize=920%2C690\")
![\"Thai](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lifeabirdseyeview.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/img_0938.jpg?resize=920%2C689\")
![\"Swiss](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lifeabirdseyeview.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/img_0948.jpg?resize=920%2C690\")
![\"Patong](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lifeabirdseyeview.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/img_0928.jpg?resize=920%2C1227\")
21st January 2018<\/h3>\n
![\"Samantha](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lifeabirdseyeview.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/d39b204a-8482-4fed-a8a3-e3fb59492cfe.jpg?resize=919%2C689\")
![\"cocktail](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lifeabirdseyeview.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/img_0945.jpg?resize=920%2C1150\")
![\"cocktails](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/lifeabirdseyeview.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/img_0944.jpg?resize=920%2C689\")