“Thanks babe,” I replied, beaming.

“….yeah you know, that chunky one whose book you were reading on holiday. Amy…Schumer?”

“Oh yeah…right…”

I peered in the mirror, deflated, and vowed silently to lose it, once and for all. The man, I mean. That would be 13 stone of excess baggage gone in one fell swoop.

To be fair, he had a point: both Amy and I bore more than a passing resemblance to Miss Piggy in those days – and I clearly liked to hang out with a muppet.

So I gave him the heave-ho…and vowed to heave my arse to the gym.

Faulty relationship dealt with, it was time to continue with my life admin and take stock of my lifestyle. Having stopped smoking at the age of 40, I had been slowly taking baby steps towards a healthier lifestyle. Very slowly. Like, sloth speed. But then the comfort and familiarity of a long-term relationship, coupled with the creeping waistline of the classic middle-aged spread had kiboshed my (admittedly half-baked) attempts at reducing my addiction to baked goods.

Now, aged 42 and 2 stones heavier than I’d like, I was sat drinking sugary cocktails with a group of girlfriends. “I’ve really let myself go these last couple of…years”, I wailed. The girls guffawed into their pornstar martinis. I knew what they were thinking: a few weeks or months, fair enough, you’ve (barely) taken your eye off the (prawn) ball, but…years?! That was just carelessness. I hadn’t realised how long I’d been battering the buffet and chugging hot chocs until I uttered those words. No, no, no, this would not do…

It took me another six months before I took any action, instead choosing to make half-hearted mumblings about joining the gym, or that this would be my last slab of carrot cake (ahhhh carrot cake, my delicious – but malicious – friend). Then, suddenly, my 43rd birthday loomed large…and I knew it was time.

And the change – when it finally came – was huge, instant, and overwhelming. Anyone that knows me knows that I don’t do things by halves, hence the voracious appetite that got me in this pickle – mmmm…cheese and pickles (said in a Homer Simpson-esque drawl) – in the first place.

Overnight, I changed. Since I’ve lost the weight and got in shape I’ve been inundated with requests for information: how did I do it, what support have I had, is there some magic potion I’m touting?

So, Bird’s Eye Viewers, I’ve decided to impart my pearls of wisdom with you. Are you ready? Here goes…

I ate less.

And then.

I moved more.

Sadly, it really is that simple. Or not, as the case may be. It turns out it’s true: nothing tastes as good as fit feels. You have to make a choice. BUT – and it’s a big but, just like mine was – there is also one (surprising) secret ingredient in my body transformation recipe for success, which ladies of a certain age may well be interested in…but more about that later. (I know, I’m such a tease). This is how I lost 2 stones in 2 months and feel incredible, and you can too…

1/. Buy some body fat scales

There’s nothing more likely to give you the boot you need up that big ol’ blubbery backside of yours than stepping onto a set of body fat scales (mine were 12 quid from Aldi – bargain) and discovering you have the same basic body composition as a pork scratching. My initial reading showed I weighed 12 stone 1 (I know – ouch!), was made up of 37% water, 10.7% bone, 30.3% muscle…and a whopping 37% fat! Whaaaat?! Almost 40% lard? Now I’ve been told that body fat scales can be slightly off-kilter, and you don’t have to be Carol Vordermann to notice that those totals come to over 100% (like, how?)…but if there’s ever a time the cold hard facts will slap you in the face after years of guzzling and gorging, it’s when you step on them there body fat scales. You have been warned! I logged my progress every few days, and my most recent readings are: 9 stone 8, 53.5% water, 11.8% bone, 36.1% muscle and 22.2% fat. So I’ve now lost 2.5 stones and 15% fat in 3 months…I’ll take that! I’d recommend monitoring your progress every few days at first, then weekly once you’ve achieved your goal weight (oh yeah – set a goal. You need to know what you’re aiming for and stay focused). Warning: it gets addictive. Sometimes I weigh myself twice a day. I just don’t want to ever go back to having the same fat content as a deep-fried Mars bar.

2/. Take body measurements

As well as stepping on the scales, you’ll want to see the difference in your vital statistics. I’ve dropped 2 dress sizes and lost at least 3 inches from each of the areas I measured – sadly as well as hips, thighs and waist, this also includes my chest…waaaaah! So I may now be the proud owner of a set of abs you could grate cheese on, but the same goes for my ribs. And my boobs resemble two peas on an ironing board. What can I say? You can’t have it all. Well, unless you’ve got a mate on Harley Street and a spare 5k knocking around…

3/. Cut out sugar

Like, completely. If, like me, you’re partial to gallons of liquid calories in the form of sugary tea and coffee shop hot chocolates (I had the front to request a ‘skinny hot chocolate with extra chocolate sprinkles’ with a straight face as my standard staple beverage, day-in, day-out, for years), then you’ll probably have to go cold turkey and banish all hot drinks except for herbal teas. Drinks are empty calories. Brucie Bonus: green tea may taste like swamp water, but it is loaded with energy-giving caffeine and aids weight loss like a pro. Cane it like there’s no tomorrow. Well, upto 3pm, that is. Switch to peppermint after that, and then chamomile before bed, otherwise you’ll be on ceiling duty all night (ie awake and buzzing your bits off).

Oh and note that I specifically singled out ‘hot’ drinks. We all know wine is the stuff of puffer-fish faces and bloated bellies, but I’m not giving that up. Not yet. No siree. But strangely, despite still swigging Sauvy B like it’s going out of fashion, it doesn’t seem to hinder my weight loss. At all. Happy days! If you do everything else I did, I reckon there’s still room for a few cheeky bevvies. Because all work and no play makes Jackie a dull girl. And anyway, when I’m drunk I dance a lot, so it’s all part of the exercise plan, amiright?

I cut out all the obviously sugary snacks completely though: chocolate, sweets, crisps, cakes – all gone. I’ll still have the occasional dessert when I’m out for dinner, but don’t even think about buying those badboys for the house. Ever. Why put temptation in your way like that? It’s like inviting a grizzly bear over for dinner and asking it nicely not to savage you.

4/. Walk, walk, walk (or better still: run)

I don’t drive. I know – shocker! Believe me, the world is a safer place without me behind the wheel. But what this also means is that I walk everywhere. Especially now I’m single without a Jeeves to ferry my ass around town. I walk at least an hour a day, quickly, on my (uphill) commute, which, combined with standing all day in my job as a beauty boutique manager, means I average around 15k steps a day. Every little helps! And if you can run somewhere instead, even better. I run home from work when I can. The lure of the fridge when I get there spurs me on. Oh, and dance at every opportunity. But coming from an old raver, that goes without saying, surely.

5/ Remove red meat

I only eat red meat as a treat when I’m out these days. Actually, that goes for most meat in general. For me, dinner is all about the oily fish, salads, seafood and stir fries (minus the sugary sauces – just a splash of soy or hoisin).

6/ More fruit and veg

Fruit is high in sugar, but at least it’s natural sugars. Rather than snacking on chocolate and sweet treats, I’ll now have Greek yoghurt with blueberries, or dried apricots, raisins or cranberries in portion-controlled snack packs. Nuts are great for snacking too, but high in calories (and oh-so-moreish) so beware! Vegetables may be the food equivalent of a geeky librarian – boring af – but just get them down you and move onto more interesting pastimes… (oh, and sex them up with a sprinkle of chilli flakes).

7/. Be prepared

I always make sure I’ve got my water bottle and a supply of healthy snacks with me to stop me reaching for the bad stuff when the hunger pangs kick in. I pack my bag military-style, like a mum, in the mornings: ready for every eventuality. There’s nothing worse for your diet than being hangry and surrounded by nasties from the naughty list seductively calling your name. I also ensure I’ve got my gym kit with me, for impromptu urges to work out (yes, I do actually get them these days – freak!).

8/. Reduce carbs

Starchy carbs are not your friends. Bread, pasta, potatoes, white rice – get in the sea, the lot of ya! I eat only wholegrain seeded bread (one slice as toast per day, in the morning with two scrambled eggs and maybe a small avo, a few mushrooms or tomatoes), sweet potatoes instead of regular ones, brown rice. Portion control is key: little and often works best for me.

9/. Gym/weights/classes

BodyPump is BRUTAL – but it works. Ditto Spin. I spend every minute of each class looking at the clock above the instructor’s head, willing it to be over. But when it is – oh the buzz! The rush of endorphins coupled with the smug knowledge that you’ve completed a super-tough workout and will be burning calories for the rest of the day is worth the pain. The gym is good too – I use my watch to see how many calories I’ve burned which keeps me motivated – but for fast results, the high-intensity classes are where it’s at. Plus those grim-faced gym receptionists levy a fine if you cancel one with less than 24hrs to go, so there’s no dropping out after work when you just CBA and are fantasising about lying on the sofa scratching your arse and watching a boxset whilst eating Cheerios from the box (or is that just me?).

Oh, and get some Sweaty Betty workout gear (preferably half price in the sale because it ain’t cheap). It’s the shit. If you look and feel good in your gear, you’re more likely to get it on and get shredding.

10/ Be App-y!

There are TONS of apps and YouTube videos you can work out to in the comfort of your own home, but for me the best one is FIIT (click here to get from the App Store). It has a wide variety of free workouts for varying abilities and results, and they are a manageable 25 or 40 minutes long. I squeeze in a few a week in between the gym and classes.

11/. Power to the Playlists

Soundcloud, Spotify, Mixcloud…whichever your cloud, crank it up LOUD! The faster the beat, the quicker you’ll move your fat feet, so make it techno or house music all the way, baby!

10/. Photograph your progress

As well as weighing yourself and recording the results in a notebook trainspotter-stylee, plus taking regular body measurements for inch loss, snap a few pics to track your progress. Refer back to how you looked at the start to keep you focused. I had more chins than a Chinese phonebook just a few short months ago! The comments from people will encourage you too (ignore the skinny-shamers: they’re just jel!).

11/. Get some fitspo

Have a picture of your ideal body goal saved on your phone to spur you on. These gorgeous girlies with their ripped abs are my current fitsporation. They are abs-olutely flab-less!

Ok, so if you’ve read thus far you may be thinking “Yeah, yeah…this is all obvious stuff…nothing new to see here…” Well, now for my piece de la resistance. Ladies, if you’re perimenopausal or have already gone through the change (I had a surgical menopause mid-thirties which you can read more about here ) I give you…drum roll…

12/ Tibolone

This stuff is magic, masquerading as HRT. But not just any HRT. It’s the souped-up, lowered suspension, pimped-up, boy-racer of the hormone replacement therapy world. Instead of regular HRT, which contains oestrogen and progesterone, Tibolone is converted by the body into three components: oestrogen, progesterone, and….testosterone. And therein lies the difference. It’s a game-changer. Your energy levels, sex drive and general joie de vivre will soar, your body fat will plummet and your muscle mass will increase. Get to your GP and get some pronto*. Thank me later.

So if your fitness levels are in freefall, your weight is climbing, and your grip on your wobbly bits is as loose as Britain’s Brexit plan, it’s time to take back control of your borders. Surely if bumbling Boris can become our next prime minister, you can shift a few stone?! Of course you can. Good luck!

*DISCLAIMER: I’m not a doctor. I’m not a fitness guru, a nutritionist, nor a personal trainer. I sell make-up for a living. This advice – in fact, ALL the tips here – are purely based on observations and learnings I’ve made since I began my fitness journey a few short months ago. I repeat: I am not a doctor. Everyone’s different and responds differently to different things, and Tibolone is a serious hormone-altering medication with side-effects, like any other. If you follow my plan and end up with Popeye-style biceps and a beard that would put Brian Blessed to shame, don’t come knocking at my door. Got it? Good.

Sam x

The post I’m Taking Back Control Of My Borders appeared first on Life: A Birds Eye View.

Sooo, it’s 6 weeks now until we hit Ibiza for the Clockwork Orange weekender bender and as I sit munching my Kettle Chips and M&S Victoria Sponge Muffins (which are, by the way, orgasmic) with all the restraint of a deranged Cookie Monster, I’m aware that at this rate I’m going to end up with a butt like Kim K on Bossa beach. The unairbrushed, lumpy version, I mean.
But wait! I wanna look boss on Bossa…not the boss of a chip shop. Now, we all know that the best way to get slim and slinky for Ibiza is…to go to Ibiza. A few days of relentless clubbing with just a few scraps of tapas tossed back pelican-style as you pit-stop between parties is the best diet going. For those of us who can’t squeeze in a pre-Ibiza Ibiza trip, I’m told there’s always these: Slenderiize magic drops.

Under the watchful eye of my fellow party-loving pal, the Super-Slender Slenderiize Seller (try saying that after a few cocktails down at Mambo’s) Lisa Jo, I’ll be following the Drop To Drop Programme for 28 days in the run-up to the holiday, starting on 1st July. So I’m hoping it’ll be “Hasta lluego, heifer” and “Hola, snake-hipped slinkstress!’ Can I pull it off? Watch this space…

1st July – 4 weeks to go!

Uh-oh! The Ibiza countdown has begun and I’m no closer to looking like a model than I was on my last diary entry. A model tank, maybe. Since I ditched the Marlboro Lights ten months ago I just can’t seem to stop eating all the pies. And cheese. And drinking all of the wine. When I said I was planning on “having it large in Ibiza” I was referring to the parties, not the portion sizes. I sigh at my reflection in the mirror. Mate, if you’re a fat clubber, you’re clearly doing something wrong. Avid dancers should be nimble and limber…not carrying excess timber. “You need to do the Ibiza Shuffle a bit faster my love,” I murmur under my breath as I clutch at my muffin-induced muffin-top. I’ll need to be bloody turbo-charged to dance quickly enough so no one can focus on my Non-Mum tum at the beach party at the end of July.

Do TFL make Food Baby On Board badges, I ponder? Well they should, I think, as I grip the pole with my bountiful butt-cheeks for balance whilst riding the packed tube and flipping through Elle magazine’s fashion section, which is awash with wafer-thin waifs.

But all is not lost! I started my Slenderiiz drops this morning: 15 drops of the 100% natural remedy under the tongue 30 minutes before brekky, lunch and dinner, healthy balanced meals (albeit smaller portions than I’m used to, as the recommended calorie allowance is 1250 a day – eek!) followed by 45 drops of the night-time formula in the evening, a few hours before bed. I’ve pored over the approved foods list, stocked up on green tea, fruit and veg, ditched the bread and pasta and have downloaded the Lose It! Calorie Counter app on my phone (they don’t mention what the “it” is you’re likely to lose – the will to live, perhaps?). All I need now is an orthodontist to wire my jaw shut and I’m good to go.

So, here are the obligatory before pictures – cringeworthy but necessary evidence, I guess. I’ll be checking in weekly with my progress, followed by a final update at the end of the 28-day programme. Obviously the proof will be in the pudding (or lack thereof)….

8th July – 3 weeks to go!

So I’m one week into the Slenderiiz Programme…and I’m actually killing it! I know, I’m as gobsmacked as you are! I’ve been taking my drops religiously and following the diet by eating around 1250 calories a day, selecting only foods from the approved foods list below…and so far I’ve lost half a stone! (and eight hours – be warned that if you attempt to go on the lash one night on this diet you will get very drunk, very quickly. Eek!)

But…people are already noticing and commenting on my weight loss. I surprised myself last year by giving up smoking effortlessly after almost 25 years on the evil weed, and now this! Will wonders never cease? I do think the drops are having a big effect, as I’m not getting cravings for naughty foods (I’d usually eat crisps and cakes like they’re going out of fashion), and whilst I don’t feel completely full after meals like I used to, I’m not chewing my own arm off in starvation either. I actually think I’ll be able to keep this up for the entire 28 days (and possibly beyond), whereas if truth be told I feared I’d fall at the first hurdle. I’m planning meals in advance and stocking up on the good stuff. I think my fridge has gone into a state of shock – it’s never been so full of green objects. And we’re eating all the veggies instead of feeding them as USOs (unidentifiable shrivelled objects) into the bin, which I’m ashamed to admit happened often in the past.

So far, so slender! Wahoo! Another update next week!

15th July – 2 weeks to go!

Two weeks into the programme, and my body is a temple (before, it was more the buddha sitting inside the temple). I’ve turned into a proper avocad-ho; Sainsbury’s have had to review their stock levels of the green stuff. I’m spending less on food (because the portion sizes are that much smaller), which could actually counteract the cost of the drops in the first place. For the first time, I’m beginning to agree with Kate Moss – she’s right, nothing does taste as good as skinny feels. The weight loss has slowed somewhat, which is frustrating as I’ve only lost a few pounds this week (taking my total weight loss to nine pounds in two weeks), but I’m getting addicted to the lighter-than-air feeling that comes from ditching white carbs. If it’s “no carbs before Marbs”, then this is “no pizza before Ibiza.”

The hardest part of the diet is dining out. I’ve tried to avoid it as I don’t know what’s in the food and I don’t want to undo the hard work, but on Tuesday Mum and I went to Bluewater. Lunchtime rolled around – one glance at the list of restaurants and it’s not hard to see why the UK is following in the footsteps of the USA with its obesity crisis: McDonald’s, Burger King, Five Guys, Eds Diner, Byron Burger, Pizza Express, Pizza Hut….

We settle on Bella Italia as they have some relatively healthy-looking options, and when I explain our predicament to the waiter he produces a giant tome the size of War And Peace which turns out to be their calorie guide. It all seems too much like hard work, so we decline their offer to dust off the giant book and instead settle on the most sensible things on the menu and hope for the best.

As I’m on holiday from work, where I’d typically be on my feet for nine hours, I’m aware that I’m not burning as many calories as usual. On Sunday morning Andy and I go for a run, which leaves my face the same beetroot shade as my hair, my legs like jelly, and I almost throw up three times.

However, the real challenge will come next week when we’re relaxing and eating out in Alicante for a week’s holiday at my parents villa…eek!

22nd July – 1 week to go!

The holiday gets off to a much healthier start than we’re accustomed to: we swop the usual calorie-laden Full English (with accompanying bubbles) at Gatwick for a fruit salad and a cuppa, salivating as surrounding holidaymakers tuck into their pukka tucker. The flight is the journey from hell: having reluctantly paid Ryanair’s rip-off fees to sit together, I soon wish I hadn’t bothered when the seats turn out to be between three screaming babies and their gymslip mums, who proceed to bash me with iPads and cover me in melted chocolate throughout the flight. Emergency prosecco takes the edge off, but the sugar-laden booze does nothing for my waistline…

After the obligatory celebration of arrival in sunny Spain with a bottle of ice-cold Cava on the seafront, we stock up on the good stuff at the supermercado – meaning we can prepare our own meals at the villa, thus retaining some control of portion sizes and what goes into them. The week is spent sunning ourselves by the pool, eating healthily and swimming. I do of course use my drops, but falling out of my regular routine whilst on holiday means that I slip up occasionally. I also indulge in the odd vodka limon and several copas de vino blanco, but, well, I am on holiday – it’d be rude not to. Despite being careful with our food, the halo slips towards the end of the week and I can’t resist a supersize Burger King at the airport on the way home. Old habits die hard! Upon return to Blightly I’m appalled to discover I’ve put on 4lbs during the holiday – gah! (I’m not sure what I expected, since alcohol is super-calorific and therefore strictly off-limits on this, and any, weight-loss programme). I now have only 3 days until we jet off to Ibiza for the Clockwork weekender. Can I redeem myself and get my weight loss back on track, taking my total loss back to 9lbs by the end of the programme this weekend? Watch this space….

28th July – time to fly!

The big day has finally arrived! I”m on the last day of my drops diet and it’s now time to leave for the airport and party our little socks off! So, how did I get on? Weeelllll, I didn’t lose quite as much weight as I’d hoped…half a stone in total….BUT considering I was on holiday from work for three weeks of the total four of the diet, lying by the pool for one of them, drinking wine and vodka cocktails (not in the same glass, obvs – that would be wrong), eating out and not doing any real exercise to write home about, I don’t think that was too bad a result. I reckon if you exercised like a demon and cut out alcohol completely you could easily lose three times that. Easily. I amazed myself by not having a single slice of bread, potato or crisp (…actually, I might have had a packet of crisps, but only one) for the entire month, and have consumed more fruit, veg, cous cous and general healthy stuff in this last four weeks than in the past year. I’ve never come anywhere near 5-a-day before now (unless we’re talking five units of alcohol) yet this has been a breeze. Enjoyable, even. I actually feel like I’ve changed my attitude and lifestyle, not just shed a few pounds and taken some magic drops.

Can I keep it up? That remains to be seen, but I’ll be doing my best to stick to the approved foods list and a healthier diet as a way of life from now on. Anyway, I’m off to shake my (slightly smaller) booty to house music on Bossa beach with the rest of the Clockwork Orange crew. Hasta lluego, amigos!

Wish me luck!

Sam x

If you’d like to try the Slenderiiz Drop To Drop Programme for yourself, contact Lisa here or follow her VIP page here. 

Fancy reading my back-story before you go any further? You can find my other blogs at:

www.costaricachica1.blogspot.com
www.samgoessolo.blogspot.com
www.mummymission.blogspot.com
www.worldwidewalsh.blogspot.com

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Twitter: @SamanthaWalsh76 (Life:ABird’sEyeView)
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The post Getting Slender For The Ibiza Weekender appeared first on Life: A Birds Eye View.